So it's been a while since I've written...again.  My life has gotten a little bit crazy.  This Tuesday, it will be three weeks since John and I broke up.  This is actually part of the reason that I haven't written or anything.  Things have been going downhill for a while and I was trying to save it to no avail.  I was really torn up about it for a while, but I am finally getting over it.  I'm not ready to move on and it still hurts when I think about it, but my friends stepped in and helped ease the pain.

Halloween was last weekend and we actually threw a Halloween party.  It was actually quite successful.  Lauren and Matt came in from out of town, and Chris came in from New Mexico.  I am so happy that I got to see him.  I haven't seen him in 3 years, so it was nice to be able to talk to him just like we used to.  

Chris and I actually got kind of close in the past week and I'm sad to see him go.  I wish he didn't have to go...hopefully he can get out of the air force soon and come back to me.

I've also been thinking about what I want in my next boyfriend, whenever if ever that shall be.  Chris coming up made me realize that I want a relationship to be about trust instead of sexual fulfillment.  I want a guy that respects me, trusts me, and loves me for who I am.  Who thinks that all of my quirks and idiosyncracies are adorable.  Someone that I don't have to say sorry to every time I show my emotions and reveal how I am feeling.  Someone that wants to hug me, flirt, and adore me in public.  I also can't deal with another long distance relationship.  I need someone that can be there for me when I need him to be and not just on weekends.  I want a companion and I want the load to be shared equally.  I pulled my relationship with John along for the past four or five months and it is too draining and stressful.  I just want to feel important and beautiful in someone else's eyes.  And as selfish as this will probably sound, I want a guy who is willing to drop everything for me (within reason, of course).  Who wants to stand by my side and battle all of the little problems of life together, instead of saying to work things out on my own time.  They also need to trust, respect, and love my friends as much as I do.  I think that was another one of the downfalls of my relationship with John.  He didn't seem to like any of my friends at all.  Most importantly, though, I want someone I can trust.  Trust has always been hard for me, and I get insanely jealous when other girls so much as talk to my boyfriend.  I want to be comfortable enough and trust in someone enough to know that I am the only girl they want and the only girl that they see.  

I'm probably describing some guy that doesn't exist in this world, but if you happen to know anyone that fits this description, please hook me up!

There are tons of other things that I'm dealing with and working through, but I'm too tired to continue this blog.  Perhaps I shall discuss them at a later date, but for now, good night and happy dreams. 

Love <3

Recently, I've learned that John's problems stem from a lot of different things that don't include WoW.  Instead of getting better, I feel like he's getting worse.  He is terrified to show his emotions and has been getting more and more secretive.  Yesterday, we got in a fight because he had made plans with me and his friends on the same day and the same time.  He had forgotten that we had plans together, and made plans to see movies with his friends.  I don't have a problem with him going to see his friends and hanging out with them.  I just feel like the fact that he forgot that we had planned something and that he would rather spend time with his friends than me is a big blow.  Maybe I over analyze things too much, but some things just bug me and I can't get over it no matter how hard I try.  For instance....

1.  Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to be kept a secret.  He will post things on his facebook or aim about him hanging out with Jake or his friends, but never about me.
2.  I feel like his is not proud of me and doesn't like talking about me.
3.  I know that he doesn't feel complete.  Does that mean I don't complete him?
4.  He tells me that he thinks we are soul mates and that he doesn't want anyone else.  Sometimes I don't believe him.

Maybe I'm just really worried about this today because last night I had a terrible dream.  He met this other girl and started to like her.  She was a lot older than him and he had only known her a few months.  We were still dating and he went to visit her.  He ended up proposing.  I didn't make him happy in the dream.  I'm not sure if I make him happy in real life, either.

How do you deal with someone that won't tell you how he is feeling and what he is thinking?  How can we continue a relationship if he is not willing to trust me? 
 

Does he know that when I'm feeling sad, he's the only one that can make me feel better?

Does he know that when I'm mad at him, he's the only one that can comfort me?

Does he know that when I'm upset, he's the only one that can calm me down?

Does he know that the more he stays silent, the more it hurts?

Does he know that it is killing me that I don't know what's going on?

Does he know that when I'm upset, angry, and confused, that's when I need him the most?

Does he know that when I'm upset, all I want is to feel his arms around me, and his kisses telling me, "it's OK, I'm here"?

Does he know?

Not much has been going on...Everything in the apartment is back to "normal" for now, and I've joined a couple of clubs.  Midterms rule my world right now, so I don't have much time to do anything.  We got about 6 inches of snow Sunday night, which is ridiculous because it is March.  I am so ready for spring to be here.

I will say, though, that I am reading a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.  Pam recommended it to me when I recommended the Rachel Morgan series to her.  I didn't know what to expect at first, but it is an amazing book so far.  I just read this poem that the main character keeps talking about, and even though it is depressing it is probably the most beautifully tragic thing I have ever read.  Here it is:


“Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines he wrote a poem
and he called it 'Chops' because that was the name of his dog
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an 'a' and a gold star
and his mother hung it on the kitchen door and read it to all his aunts
that was the year Father Tracy took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed alot
and the little girl around the corner sent him a valentine signed with a row of x's and he had to ask his father what the x's meant
and his father always tucked him in bed at night
and was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines he wrote a poem
and he called it 'autumn' because that was the name of the season
and that's what it was all about
and his teacher gave him an 'a' and asked him to write more clearly
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because of the new paint
and the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars
and left them in the pews
and sometimes they would burn holes
that was the year his sister got glasses with thick lenses and black frames
and the girl around the corner laughed when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
and the kids told him why his mother and father kissed alot
and his father never tucked him in bed at night
and his father got mad when he cried for him to do it

Once on a piece of paper torn from his notebook he wrote a poem
and he called it 'Innocence: a question' because that was the question about his girl
and that's what it was all about
and his professor gave him an 'a' and a strange steady look
and his mother never hung it on the kitchen door because he never showed it to her
that was the year Father Tracy died
and he forgot how the end of the Apostle's Creed went
and he caught his sister making out on the back porch
and his mother and father never kissed or even talked
and the girl around the corner wore too much makeup
that made him cough when he kissed her but he did anyway because that was the thing to do
and at 3am he tucked himself into bed - his father snoring loudly

that's why on the back of a brown paper bag he tried another poem
and he called it 'Absolutely Nothing'
because that's what it was all about
and he gave himself an 'a' and a slash on each damned wrist
and he hung it on the bathroom door because this time he didn't think he could reach the kitchen.”


I don't know why I thought this was so beautiful.  Maybe it is beautiful simply because of its tragic sadness.  All I know is that I can relate.  I can relate to the main character in this story and the writer of this poem.  There is nothing wrong with loving something because it is depressing.  

Living in a house full of girls can be fun, but for the most part it is stressful and irritating.  I am tired of the constant drama and fighting. 

Point in case...

A few months ago, Janna left her pan out on the stove with food on it a couple of times and did so for a couple of weeks.  Kathryn got sick of it, and decided to move her pan to the other room.  Janna went looking for it a few days later to make food, and got pissed off because she couldn't find her pan.  She became SO pissed off that she decided to kick a hole in her door.  We put in a work order for it, and told Janna about it.  She said she didn't expect us to pay for the door, and that she would pay us the money and submit something in writing to the office to say it was her fault.  

When maintenance finally comes to fix the door, Janna acts surprised.  She gets pissed off at us because the maintenance guy takes her door to fix it.  We never know when the maintenance guy is coming to fix shit, and we tried to explain this to her.  She didn't want to listen, and became so pissed off that she left the house.

A few months later still...

After Christmas break, we get a letter in the mailbox saying that our account has been billed for $185.61 and that we need to pay this money immediately or there will be fines.  We tell Janna about this, and she says that she will go to the office and talk about it, and that she would pay us back.

Friday night, Jenn and I go to ask her about the money.  Jenn and Kathryn had received letters in their inbox saying that there was an outstanding charge.  Here is the conversation that followed....

Jenn: Hey Janna...I just got a thing in my email saying that we still owed money for the door, and I'll pay it, but you will pay me back, right? 

Janna: *In a bitchy tone* No.

Me: What do you mean No???

This ensued a mess of drama that I wish had never happened.  She said she didn't want to pay the money because "we were mean to her", and that we could "get the fuck over it".  This set me off, and I blacked out.  I don't remember entirely what I said, but I was about to kick her ass to kingdom come.  I drove away from the apartment, and finally was able to calm down.  

Kathryn came home on Sunday, and decided to have a talk with Janna.  She won't give me the full details, but basically we all have to talk to her about getting our money.  She was holding the money "ransom" so she could stick up for herself.

No. Fucking. Way.

This is the lamest thing I have ever heard.  Not only is it childish and irresponsible, it irked me even more.  So now I am sitting in my room, trying not to cry, seething because some bitch wants to play around with $50. 

I have had it with this nonsense.  I wish I had never come to JMU sometimes.  I hate it here.  I don't need this constant stress in my life.  

So tomorrow, if I do not hear anything from her by 8am tomorrow morning, I am going to the office to see what they can do.  If they can't do anything about it, then I am going to file a case against her in civil court.  You just don't mess around with money like that.  It is stupid.  

Yet somehow I am being irrational.  How does that work?
 

Last night was the WORST night ever.  I had like 3 or 4 bad dreams.  I didn't even eat after 9 lol. 

In the first one, my family had my Grandma's body exhumed and found out that she wasn't really dead.  She was just in some type of coma that made it so she couldn't breathe.  Well, since she had been in a coffin for quite a while, she was quite decayed and scary looking.  She gave me a pin (I think that's what started the dream...I was thinking of asking Mom to send me her heart pin before I fell asleep).  There was more to this dream, but I can't remember all of it.

I don't remember much from the second dream.  All I know is that it was freakin' weird and scary.  I think my parents came up to Harrisonburg for the weekend or something (probably family weekend) or something like that.  I wish I could remember the details.  

In the third one, Emily Campbell had a farm in Harrisonburg and I took Copper up there to live.  I went to a horse show, and my brother was showing again (he was really little...this has something to do with the past I guess), and my little sister beat the crap out of Gabby (in the show ring...not literal lol).  Karin got PISSED that I had taken Copper away from the barn, but I didn't care because I could ride him whenever I wanted to.

I woke up missing Copper.  =(

GOALS

* Declare Computer Information Systems Minor when I go back to JMU
* Get a new job
* Join the Breeze staff or Gardy Loo staff
* Bring GPA up to at least 3.0
* Join Sigma Tau Delta

These are reasonable, I guess.  I'd prefer to get a job at Barnes n Noble....that would be TIGHT!

Anyways....not much has been happening.  John and I went to see Wall-E the other night and that might possibly be my new favorite movie.  =)  It was ADORABLE.  My phone is broken, but I get a loaner phone tomorrow.

Hm....I guess more later.....>.>

This summer has been pretty boring so far.  All I do is eat, sleep, and work.  Every time I want to hang out with someone, they are either busy already or don't feel like it.  Why can't someone make plans with ME for once instead of vice versa? 

Work is ok.  It's good hours, and I guess the pay is ok (I get paid Monday haha), but I have to wake up SUPER early, which is never fun.  Sometimes I just want to quit, but I can't do that because I need the money BAD. 

There has been more family drama, too.  Nicole has been going around telling people that I smoke pot.  I hadn't talked to her since I found out she stole money from Austin, and then my mom came in the room one night while I was trying to sleep and asked me if I did drugs.  That pretty much started a HUGE fight with Nicole...and my family hasn't talked to her since.  I saw her one day going through the drive through of McD's and she didn't say a WORD to me.  Ugh.  Whatever.

Then there is this guy named Adam who I REALLY REALLY like, but he is so confusing.  He gets mad at me a lot, and I'm about to just give up.  I was going to go to his house on Thursday, but I didn't sleep at all Wednesday night, woke up at 4, and when I asked if he still wanted me to come up he said no.  *sigh*  So he gets mad about that, and gets mad because I don't come up on Friday.  Then today he said he was hanging out with his friends and didn't want to hang out with me....same thing for tomorrow, too.  UGH!  I have about HAD it with boys.

Eric hasn't talked to me in like 2 or 3 weeks...I send him messages like every day, but he never responds.  He FINALLY responded today, and we are supposed to hang out, but I don't know if that is going to go through. 

AJ tried to kiss me a few days ago which was awkward.  He apologized, but it still makes things weird.

There are two guys at work that like me.  One keeps giving me little surprises like flowers, poems in my drawer, etc...but they don't understand that I don't want a relationship at the moment...

Well...I do, but I don't.  I like Adam a LOT, but he doesn't want a relationship.  I'm not really interested in anyone else at the moment...even though he FRUSTRATES ME TO NOOOOOO END!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want is someone to love me and be there for me.  I just want to be cuddled....=(

Today sucks.  Last night, I could not fall asleep to save my life and ended up having to take 2 motrin and 2 sleeping pills.  I fell asleep sometime around 4 am, and slept til around 1:30.  I tried to wake up earlier, but couldn't.  So, the majority of my day was wasted in sleep.  Albeit, it was GOOD sleep...probably the best sleep I've had in a LONG time.  But, since I slept most of the day, I didn't get anything done. 

This is the last week that Logan and Jordan are in school, and probably my last week of official freedom.  I should be starting work at McDonald's sometime this week, but they still won't put me on the damn schedule.  I don't want to keep calling and annoying them, but I'll never know if I'm on the schedule or not if I don't.  *sigh*

I feel like I should apologize to my Amherst friends for some reason.  For the past few weeks, I haven't felt like doing anything at all.  I don't know if it's because I'm home and my parents just have this overbearing presence that says "don't go out" or what.  I just haven't really felt like going out of the house...plus the fact that I've been sick, and the family drama...blah blah blah.

I'm having some difficulty in the relationship department.  Part of me wants to stay single throughout this summer, but the other part of me wants to pursue this one opportunity that has been open for a long time.  If I pursue it now, there may be a chance that it could die away...or I miss out on other opportunities down the road.  The plus side is that I have a constant relationship, and that when I come home for breaks there will be someone to hang out with at home.  The downside is that I won't get to see them all the time, and they will be busy, too.  *sigh*

Then there is this other guy that won't back off.  He just doesn't get it.  I've tried to get him to realize that I'm not interested in him the way he is interested in me.  I guess I will just have to put it bluntly....

I'm starting to feel disconnected from everyone and everything.  I've been in Morgan land for the past few weeks, and I feel like nothing is going to pull me out if I keep slipping further into it.  My only lifelines so far have been JoJo and John.  I feel like I'm becoming distant from my Amherst friends, and even MORE distant from my Harrisonburg friends (which is REALLY bad)....especially my roommates.  I haven't talked to my roommates since I left JMU.  One of them I haven't seen since I don't even KNOW when...

I just want everything to be ok.  I'm trying to get out of Morgan land, but maybe I have to go deeper in order to get out. 

I always feel like I should apologize when I haven't written in a while.  I thought things wouldn't ever get better, but they finally did. 

This summer didn't start on a good note.  Not long after I came home, my high school friend Justin was shot and murdered by my cousin's ex-boyfriend.  She wasn't involved, thank goodness, but it caused a LOT of family drama and caused a LOT of people to get really pissed off at her.  I'm not even sure if she was even broken up with the boy now.  I don't want to go into all the details on here, but if you want to read up on the story just go to wset.com and read about the Amherst murder. 

Then after all of this dies down a little bit, there is a drug bust at the high school and two of my cousin's best friends, Peter and Jodey, are arrested for selling drugs.  Apparently seven kids were charged, and only two were adults, so I have no idea who the others were.  At this point I wouldn't put it past my cousin to be involved in this mess.  I texted her on Friday and she was acting really weird, and didn't want to talk to me.  She said she would call me back, but never did. 

The next morning, Mom woke me up at 10 am.  She came in my room and said, "Morgan...I want to ask you a serious question.  Is Nicole doing drugs?"  I told her I didn't know...which is the truth.  As much as that girl lies, there's no telling what the truth is.  Apparently, she ended up stealing over $5,000 from Austin's bank account.  She didn't leave a single penny in his account.  SHE STOLE FROM A 78 YEAR OLD MAN!  I am STILL mad at her for that.  I honestly can't believe she would do something like that.  Especially after I took her to Justin's viewing and she gave me a speech about how she understood why her mom did the things she did and blah blah blah.  UGH!  Now she's REALLY gotten herself into trouble, and I'm not even allowed to talk to her.  We've been like sisters, and now I don't even know who she is anymore.  Plus, after the viewing, I took her shopping to make her feel better.  She said she needed to stop by the bank to get some cash.  Turns out, it was Austin's bank, and she could have involved me in that mess! 

I swear my cousin is SO stupid sometimes. 

To top off all this family drama, I got ANOTHER sinus infection after just getting over the one I had.  And, of course, along with the sinus infection comes ear infections.  -_-  I'm feeling a lot better now, though because my doctor put me on like 2 antibiotics and 2 allergy meds.  =) 

Also, I FINALLY got a job.  I applied to the McD's in Mad Heights because I figured the one in Amherst wasn't going to rehire me.  They liked the fact that I could work any time, and hired me on the spot!!!  I thought that was REALLY cool.

Dad bought a new bed for me, so JoJo and I have been cleaning my room all day.  I've gotten a lot of stuff cleaned up.  I'm almost done with the closet and the entertainment system...Sorting the beanie babies was kind of depressing.  I didn't realize how many memories were attached to them until I went through them!  Hopefully I can have my room finished by like Wednesday.  The only problem is that I think I'm going to need some more shelves because not all my books are going to fit in my bookcase. 

Well....I guess I'm done for now.  I'm going to go work on my book!

Ok...this kid has the nerve to text me back after I asked him not to. 

"Stop texting you?  I haven't since 7:45.  (I sent that message a long time ago) Lol okay.  (why would you text back to that anyways?  You just broke up with me so I don't want to talk to you right now.  I didn't just send that because you were texting me)  Yeah i thought my phone was fucking up again.  (Are you retarded?  Stop texting!) Shut the fuck up.  You just asked me a question...I can't hear the tone of your voice, so how should I know it was rhetorical.  (Don't cuss at me.  You should be able to read sarcasm.  And, if you can't hear my voice then I can't shut up)  Haha that was the most juvenile argument...but you seem to want to prolong it.... (You started it and I just want you to leave me alone.  You don't care that you hurt me, and on top of that you cussed at me.)

wtf, man. 

wtf.

Well...I have to say that these past few weeks have been the worst weeks of my life, and the past two days have been even more so. 

I've known for weeks now that something was wrong with Daniel, and that he didn't seem to care as much about me anymore.  I kept trying to confront him about it while we were at JMU, but he would deny it and say that nothing was wrong.  I finally get a text message last night (which, btw, was our three month anniversary) saying "look morgan...I can't picture myself marrying you.  That's what I've been so worried about."

...

Ok, I will admit that he did say he wanted to be with me forever, but I don't expect guys to follow through with that anymore.  I just want to be loved for the moment, and he apparently couldn't even do that.  I asked if I had done anything wrong, and he said that I hadn't.

Here is, word for word, what he told me:

"Yeah...look Morgan I can't really see myself marrying you...that's what I've been so worried about.  (what changed?)  IDK...it was a lot of things...I shouldn't have said that to begin with, it was unfair to you.  (what did I do?)  You didn't really do anything...I just decided I didn't want to have that hanging over me.  (You don't have to.  Do you not want to date me anymore?)  I don't know...I definitely feel uncomfortable about it.  (I don't care about marriage right now...I have other priorities.  I don't know how to fix things if you say I didn't do anything wrong.  I don't know what changed your mind so I can't help.  You can't just stop loving someone.  You either do or never did)  Maybe your concept of love is different than mine.  (what is your concept?)  Please don't lie to me...I know you care about marriage...it's like your childhood dream.  (I have other priorities right now, though)  We had romantic love, and once that first passion diminished, I never really respected you enough to develop companionate or consummate love.  That doesn't mean I don't like you or think that you are a good person, just some of your lifestyle choices are dissonant with what I want.  (my lifestyle choices?)  Your inactivity, smoking, horses which requires a long explanation, pessimism, sometimes self-centeredness, etc...(You smoke, too, I quit riding a long time ago, and you are WAY more self-centered than I am)  You are taking this in a direction I don't want to follow.  (I didn't ask you to attack me)  You asked me to (Not to attack me!  You can't expect me to sit there and take it while you are attacking me.  I'm going to defend myself.  I think I'm actually taking this pretty well)  I just answered your question.  I didn't ask for rebuttal.  {Skip forward to today because his phone died or something} Hey sorry my phone fucked up last night...I had to get a new battery today...just got your messages...not sure what you're getting at but I'm pretty sure we're both aware of my mind change....(ok whatever you still haven't answered my questions)  How often do you exercise?  (What does that matter?  I'd like to see how often you'd exercise if you were a full time student and had two jobs...do you want to keep dating me or what?  I'm guessing no since you don't love me anymore)  I guess not.  (Well I still think you're a good person but I think you're a loser for doing this over text and even more so for not having the balls to tell me to my face at JMU.  I don't know what I did and you knew all this stuff before we dated but w/e.  I hope we can be friends eventually)  Yeah well that's one of the only things I regret about this relationship is that I didn't tell you at JMU.  (whatever I don't care)  Okay (Stop texting me.)

And that's the end of that. 

First off, I'd like to say that you can't break down relationships like in a psychology book.  People aren't set in stone, and not everything happens according to experts theories.  Also, he is being a fucking hypocrite about a lot of things.  I also hate the fact that he kept screwing me even though he didn't love me anymore.  As for the rebuttal thing, if you openly attack me I'm GOING to fire back.  He's lucky I was as nice as I was.  And exercising??  COME ON!!!!  I get ENOUGH exercise working the floor at O'Charley's.  Do you KNOW how much you sweat in a restaurant?!?! 

There are so many things wrong with this break up.  Who breaks up with a person over text?  This is the first time it's happened to me ,and it better damn well be the last. 

Today has been a bad day.  I woke up and my ears were hurting so bad that all I could do was cry.  I went to my math exam, and did really horrible on it because all I wanted to do was go back to bed.  There was a really long problem with like 6 or 7 questions to it, and I only did like half of them because I couldn't comprehend everything.  I was the first one to turn my test in, and I probably failed it. 

I went to the clinic around 3:15 because I could finally get out of bed, and apparently I have two really infected ears and a sinus infection.  Janna picked me up to take me to CVS, and it hadn't been more than 15 minutes since I had been back that my right ear drum burst.  Now I am sitting here in pain, crying, and about to have a panic attack. 

I just want to go home now.  I feel so terrible.  I can't go home until Friday, though, because I have a stupid English exam.  I thought about emailing my professor and asking if there was any way I could take it earlier, but I doubt she will let me. 

On top of that, Daniel has been acting weird.  We got into a fight last night because he didn't want to sleep in the bed with me because "he was too hot", and just wanted me to be comfortable.  I haven't heard from him since I asked him what the doctor said about his illness, and he didn't even ask me what I had. 

I just want to be cuddled right now and told that everything is going to be ok.  I don't think that's going to happen, though.  I have two sore ears, one is ruptured, a sore throat, and a terrible cough that makes me gag every time I cough.  =(  I don't even have a voice right now...plus I keep going from hot to cold within minutes of each other. 

I hate being sick.  I just want my mommy.

Last night was quite possibly the WORST night ever.  I not only got in a fight with my future roommate, but I also got in a fight with Daniel AND found out that Timmy tried to commit suicide a few days ago.

Daniel and I were supposed to hang out last night...at least that's what I thought.  We had planned a few weeks ago to hang out, and even though we couldn't go to dinner or anything, I still thought we would at least stay in and watch a movie.  I guess I was wrong.  He called me around 10 and was like "hey I'm gonna go to Hunter's".  By this time I was already quite irate and upset, so I was not pleased to hear this.  I just wanted us to hang out, but he wanted to go out and party.  I tried to tell him in a text that I wanted it to just be us that night, but he wouldn't respond.  Then it led to this conversation:

[22:28] LoverLayDowndmb0: I might not be here tomorrow either.
[22:28] *** Auto-response from NaquinDaniel: Your IM has been sent to my mobile device. When I receive it, I will be able to reply. Thanks for your IM! Want your IMs forwarded to your phone? Click here
[22:28] NaquinDaniel: Where will you be tomorrow?
[22:28] *** Auto-response sent to NaquinDaniel: Outside somewhere...
 
I guess you can come find me if you want...=/
[22:29] LoverLayDowndmb0: I might go visit a friend in VB
[22:29] LoverLayDowndmb0: *BV
[22:29] LoverLayDowndmb0: he tried to kill himself a few days ago.
[22:29] NaquinDaniel: Who?
[22:29] LoverLayDowndmb0: Timmy
[22:30] NaquinDaniel: Oh damn
[22:31] LoverLayDowndmb0: he wrecked his car at 120 mph on purpose
[22:34] LoverLayDowndmb0: I really want you here...
[22:40] NaquinDaniel: I'm coming back early...people are here who I don't see much
[22:41] LoverLayDowndmb0: how early, though?
[22:46] NaquinDaniel: Like 12-1 ish
[22:47] LoverLayDowndmb0: Nevermind.  Just forget it.  Have fun.
[22:48] NaquinDaniel: You sure?
[22:49] LoverLayDowndmb0: are you fucking kidding me?  No I'm not sure.  I'm fucking upset as hell.  But have fun.  I'm going to study and try to fall asleep.
[22:56] NaquinDaniel: Well I'm pretty fucking stressed too...ive had to make sure all my shit is packed, and I've had to cram for my exam tomorrow...trying to consol you while your
[22:57] NaquinDaniel: Already pissed is just going to make it worse...ill see you later.
[22:58] LoverLayDowndmb0: I'm pissed because I thought we were going to hang out tonight but then you decided to go out instead. 
[22:59] LoverLayDowndmb0: I'm sorry if I'm making things worse for you.  I know you are stressed, too, and I'm not trying to make it worse but this is just one time where I actually needed some comfort.

So.  He doesn't talk to me again until 2:30 am.  I KNEW he wouldn't leave Hunter's until way late....ugh.

Him:  I'm sorry
Me:  Me, too
Him:  This is stupid...I'm being mean for no reason
Me:  Well you have a lot of stress...
Him: Yea but there's no reason for it I'm so sorry
Me:  It's ok.  I didn't mean to get mad.  I'm sorry, too.  Where are you?
Him:  I'm about to walk from the commons
Me:  Damn
Him:  Don't worry...I'm coming back now
Him (20 mins later):  I'm just gonna go back to Fred...I don't want to worry or keep you up

He ended up coming to Eagle, and apologized when he came in.  He basically said that I was right and that he let me down and it woudn't happen again.  Despite the fact that he apologized, I'm still upset.  I am emotionally drained right now.

Add to this fact that six dumb ass bitches were being belligerent in the courtyard for over an hour, Jake called me at 12:45, then the fire alarm went off in Shorts and people were being loud, THEN this girl on my hall downed some pills and had to be taken to the hospital.

Craziness times 1,000.

What I don't understand is why people couldn't wait til TONIGHT to pull this bullshit.  I had an 8am exam this morning and didn't get ANY sleep at all.  Plus, I think things are still bad between Daniel and I because I asked him if he wanted to hang out later today and I still haven't gotten a reply. 

I live in bullshit city, apparently.

So. as for other things, Timmy tried to kill himself a few days ago because Kelly broke up with him.  He wrecked his car going 120 mph, rolled it over a few times, and somehow managed to survive without messing up his car too much.  This is just one more suicidal depression thing I have to deal with on top of John (who is doing better now).  He wants me to come down to BV today, but I don't know if I should.  I can tell he really needs someone there to help him, but I just don't know if it's the best idea in the word since he just broke up with Kelly and Daniel and I are having problems. 

Maybe that's just me being paranoid, though.

*sigh*  I guess I'm going to try to take a shower now since I can't fucking sleep anymore. 

I am foreseeing many problems with my living situation next year.  I swear it feels like every week I am being asked something new.  "Are you going to be doing this in the apartment?  That would make me uncomfortable so don't do it."

Honestly, I don't give a shit if I am making you uncomfortable anymore because you don't care that you are making me uncomfortable with your dumb ass complaints. 

My roommates next year are going to be inviting their parents to stay in the apartment overnight for God knows how long.  This makes ME uncomfortable but does anyone care???  No. 

I wanted to get a fifth roommate to cut down on rent because I am taking 17 credits next semester, and wanted to cut down on hours at my TWO FUCKING JOBS.  Does anyone give a fucking shit?!  No.

I feel like I'm living with two mothers who are constantly checking my every move.  One of my roommates I thought was cool and would be down with anything, but lately she has become hypocritical just like every other fucking person on the planet.  She changes her mind way too much, and makes me feel like shit when she goes back on her previous statements.  One day she says she wants to go out and party, the next she says it is wrong and makes me feel like shit. 

Why can't people just accept you for the way you are and et you do your own thing?  I feel like everyone is up in my face trying to figure out what I am doing, and won't give me any room to breathe.

To top this off, my best friend from home is being a hypocrite as well.  I talked to him yesterday on the phone and got so pissed off at his attitude.  He made fun of JMU kids for getting fucked up and said that that is all they care about.  He also tried to say that John isn't depressed.

...

Yea.  That shit don't fly.  Jake and I had to have an intervention with John the other day because he was so depressed and kept sending me texts at work.  I don't know how to help John, but Jake and I both know he is depressed.  It isn't just part of his emo bullshit that he did in high school. 

I'm ready for this shit to be over.  I am glad I am through with Freshman year.  Hopefully this living situation will work out before I lose my mind.

As of today, I am officially done with all things school related...Other than finals that is.  My final schedule isn't too tough...the only one I'm worried about is History...mostly because it's at 8 am.  And Math...but that's just because I hate math.  It is absolutely gorgeous outside right now...I'm about to go outside and seriously start reading War and Peace.

I am not looking forward to going home next Friday.  I don't want to leave JMU.  All of my friends are here...not to mention my lover.  This summer is going to be absolute torture.  I hope I can go down to VB a lot..if not I think I'm going to go crazy.

I haven't slept by myself in so long that I'm not sure how I'm going to react when I have to in a few days.   It's going to be ridiculously lonely in A-Town.

Sometimes I wonder if Daniel is going to miss me as much as I'm going to miss him.  I know it's silly.  I keep reading over the messages from Spring Break, and compare them to the messages he sends me now.  It's almost like he's gotten used to me.  I don't know...maybe I'm just analyzing things too much like I always do. 

Next week is going to be stressful for him more than it is me....

I just hope I don't get in the way.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Staind ~ Everything Changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyways?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you can not close
The devil in you I suppose
Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes if I could
turn back the years, if you could
learn to forgive me then I could
learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
in moments of disarray
succumbing to the games we play
to make sure that it's real

But everything changes if I could
turn back the years, if you could
learn to forgive me then I could
learn to feel

When it's just me and you
who knows what we could do
if we can just make it through
the toughest part of the day

Everything changes if I could
turn back the years if you could
learn to forgive me then I could
learn how to feel, then we could
stay here together and we could
conquer the world if we could
say that forever is more then just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel?

I imagine my life playing out in a simplistic, movie-style way.

I'll graduate college in 3.5 years (which is actually an accomplishment), and get married to the man of my dreams (*cough cough Daniel cough*).  We'll have two kids right away, live in a two story house by the beach, and live happily ever after.

I'll write a novel eventually.  It probably won't be extremely successful, but it will be decent...enough to get by. 

Isn't that all anyone wants?  Is it really what I want, though?  I have always thought since I was a little girl that this dream was what I wanted.  Now, I'm not so sure.

Freshman year of college ends in two weeks.  After that, I will have 2.5 years of school to go.  I could probably do less than that if I worked hard enough.  It is ridiculous how fast time goes.  I am realizing now how difficult the work force is.  I am having a hard time making ends meet as it is without a rent to pay or other bills, and I work two jobs!  I can only imagine how stressed I am going to be next year when I'm working 2 jobs AND taking 17 credits. 

I also realized that after you get out of college, there aren't really any more breaks.  There is no summer vacation or winter break.  All you have is work, bills, and children screaming for more, more, more.  These next few summers will be the only summers I will be able to relax, and I don't think I will even be able to do that.  I doubt my mom is going to let me go visit my friends in VB, which means I won't get to see Daniel...I doubt that I will even go on a family vacation while I'm home. 

This quite possibly might be the worst summer ever approaching.

Ok...so I was just going through my Blog on myspace and found this old lj account.  I decided I might as well make use of it.  I've been feeling the need to write lately, and what better way to vent my frustrations than on a blog account.  I would normally just write it down in my diary, but since I've been sharing my dorm room with my boyfriend, writing in a diary has become increasingly difficult.

Anyways, to give an update, this has been my life since September of 2005.

I graduated high school and was in the top 20% of my class...not that impressive, but still pretty damn good.  I had a 3.2 GPA, and I guess that was high enough to get me into James Madison University.  Go Dukes!  I still can't believe I ACTUALLY got into this college...you'd think that I would have gotten used to the idea by now since I've been here a year and freshman year is almost over.

Anyways...I attend James Madison University now...for those of you who don't know where or what that is...it's a pretty nice Liberal Arts college nestled in the hills of Harrisonburg, VA.  I love it.  =)

I am an English major and Creative Writing minor...I want to eventually become an editor.  This summer I'm probably going to be interning at the local newspaper, which will be pretty sweet.

I have a lot of friends, and an AMAZING boyfriend.  His name is Daniel, and I really hope that we are together forever.  I know I've said that a lot about my other boyfriends, but I have a good feeling this time.  He says he wants to be with me, too, and I hope he means it. 

I guess that's why I wanted to write.  We've been dating for almost three months, and everything has been perfect.  We haven't really gotten into an argument...until some girl started grabbing him at a party.  I was not very thrilled.  So, I got pissed and he got defensive.  In the end, he admitted I was right and apologized, but he has been acting kind of weird ever since then.  Maybe it's just me...

Anyways...I need to start working on my English paper now and go do some laundry.

Until later....

Life so Rocks. Ok Soooo I really haven't written in this thing in a LOOOONG time. Timmy was a butthole. That's all that needs to be said about that. The Penguins had to take a break for a while during the summer because I broke my arm in July, so we took a break for about two months. We have a new singer and we are doing so osm now. We had a photo shoot. Pictures are up on the site. If I haven't posted that before it's http://www.angelfire.com/punk5/thesexypenguins . And I have a new boyfriend now. ^_^ His name is John. He's the lead singer and guitarist of Chainer. He is way wicked cool, super sweet, and way hot. =D I feel really comfortable around him and I don't question anything. He's a senior, so he's going to graduate before me, which sucks...but I'm not really worried about it. I think that if I really want it to work *which I do* then it will. And I think he wants it to, too. Which is osm! I got to hang out w/ him tonight. We basically sat around, ate curly fries, and had an oreo blast. It was great. ^____^ I actually got home from his house not too long ago. My friends say I'm whipped...but considering past relationships...I think that's a good thing. But w/e...this is getting too nerdy sounding. I'm gonna go cuz my stomach is all hurting and stuff =( and I have to get up at 6 tomorrow morning T.T Later. ~M

Well it's been a while since I've written in this thing. I was thinking about deleting it but I don't feel like messing with another one. Here's what's been goin on: I'm in a band, I have a boyfriend named Timmy who is also in the band, I kissed his cousin, and I'm goin on a date with my friend karl this weekend. Yeaaaaa....I feel really odd. lol I'm going to prom with Keith. I made a new website. *sigh* i need help. My insomnia is still as bad as ever. But this is all i'm going to write for now.

http://www.angelfire.com/punk5/thesexypenguins

http://www.angelfire.com/vamp2/colormebeautiful

these are the new websites I made. the first one is the band website. enjoi.